Earlier today I was trying to get some work done on the computer, but for some reason I felt the need to take a nap midway in the afternoon. I thought I was just being lazy or avoiding responsibility, but eventually the urge took over and I slept for about an hour and a half. When I woke up, my grandma was watching the news and I was immediately hit by a freaking train. Chester Bennington, the singer of Linkin Park, just passed away from what appears to be suicide at the age of 41. I’m in absolute shock right now… Damn… Cue all the memories flooding in to destroy the dam of the past.  I guess I don’t have a choice. No holding back!

If the post I made last week had a soundtrack, Linkin Park would be one of the headliners spread all the way throughout, from 7th to 12th grade. In fact, now that I’m just listening to whatever Linkin Park song comes up next on YouTube, the lyrics are relevant to a lot more of my life than Oxford as well. It’s music that just never seems to get old.

Earlier today, I was coincidentally talking to an old friend from Oxford that I don’t know that well. We got into a heated debate, but I love that our respect for each other goes so deep that it doesn’t fragment into feelings of hurt and resentment. In getting to the root of our disagreements, I asked him to reflect on his life to see how he got to where he is now. I also said I would tell him my story, so here it is.

If I were to picture my glory days from Oxford, it would be from 7th-9th grade. I felt on top of the world! I was starting to learn about girls and relationships. I had a solid group of guy friends that I could pal around with. I was elected homecoming prince of our grade alongside my best elementary school friend. I was really getting into running and basketball. I was being challenged intellectually at school and physically on the court. Everything felt perfect… Maybe a little too perfect.

In this farewell
There’s no blood, there’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth of a thousand lies
So let mercy come and wash away
What I’ve done

I’ll face myself to cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest what you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
So let mercy come and wash away
What I’ve done

Sometime around 9th or 10th grade I started to question things. Why was I popular? What did I have to offer people? Was any of this even real? Who was I? What is my purpose in life… A thousand different questions and hazy answers started filling my mind to the point of bursting. It’s weird, because it’s not necessarily the bad things I had done up to that point that burdened me. It was the mere fact that my entire life up to that point was being thrown into question. I couldn’t handle it, so I started to withdraw.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

From that point, things were just not quite right for me mentally. School was getting more difficult and I had less close friends that I could really connect with. Around that time my father bought the donut shop with my stepmom who I never seemed to get along with, which threw my life into a chaos even more severe. We started reading literature in English class that covered intense topics like loss of individuality, existentialism, and nihilism featuring pieces like the Stranger, Metamorphosis, and Anthem.

Underneath it all, I became depressed. This is the first time I’ve ever told anybody or even myself, mostly because I didn’t feel I had a right to be depressed. I had everything from an “objective” point of view that I fabricated: good friends, good grades, good socioeconomic status, some success in sports, good qualities, promising future. I was a man, so I needed to suppress my emotions. I didn’t know what it was like to genuinely love life.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There’s something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear
Is never ending, controlling

I can’t seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence)
(I’m convinced that there’s)
(Just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before so insecure

This depression lasted until about midway through college. I was weak. I was emotionless. I had no self confidence. I remember freshman year of college I sat in my dorm room and binge watched all 10 seasons of Friends in an embarrassingly short period of time. I barely socialized and didn’t make many lasting friendships. Instead of really feeling what the root of my problem was, I kept myself busy with sleeping, biomedical engineering, video games, anime, TV shows, and of course drugs.

I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (Erase all the pain ’til it’s gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

Midway through freshman year of college I started going to an Asian Christian fellowship, and I went sporadically through the first half of college.  I wanted to feel like I fit in somewhere since I had little desire to deeply bond with most of the people I met in college up to that point. Although I stopped going (primarily since I’m not Christian) I am extremely grateful for the people I met there. It helped me quite a bit, but I was still not quite right.

Memories consume like opening the wounds
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose
’cause inside I realize that I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight

Something needed to change. I needed to change. Without going into all of the habits that I ended up destroying one by one, I did make one major decision that really propelled me in the right direction. It was the toughest decision I ever had to make, and a part of me continues to feel guilty about it to this day. One night during the summer going into my senior year of college, I left my dad’s house and ceased communication with him, my stepmom, and my stepsister. Regardless of whether it was actually the right decision, it hurt a lot and is still not fully resolved. Who knows if it will ever be. It’s damn complicated.

I remembered black skies
The lightning all around me
I remembered each flash
As time began to blur
Like a startling sign
That fate had finally found me

And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross
The distance in your eyes

Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide

As many of you may know, I’ve drastically changed my life up to this point. Toward the end of my previous destructive process, I became engulfed in a desire to learn the truth. I started getting into the habit of reading around the beginning of my senior year, and it’s been a continual process ever since then.  I’m not going to lie, it has been a long and difficult slog through old habits, delusion, pain, confusion, and whatever else came up along the way.

But I now believe, more strongly than ever before, that there is an objective truth to this world much deeper than we are capable of fully comprehending. Our postmodern society has ripped the metaphysical foundations out from under our society, for better or worse. We’ve witnessed a lot of tragedy on the world stage with an insane amount occurring even in developed countries like Germany and Russia.

Regardless of what has happened up until this point, I have a ton of hope for the future. Within the past few years I’ve witnessed a lot of beauty that was previously unseen by my eyes. I got into a relationship with a beautiful German girl and we travelled across the US and Latin America together. I bonded closely with a friend that I’ve stuck with through thick and thin. I laughed until I cried with my grandma for the first time that I can actually remember. I’ve found a passion that I’m willing to pursue with the entirety of my being. Of course it’s not going to be easy and it isn’t guaranteed, but I’ve also learned that it can actually be enjoyable. I’ve developed so much love for life over just the last 2 months that sometimes it’s hard to contain. I genuinely feel power building up from within, sparked by a profound sense of wonder about life. I only wish Chester could have crossed the new divide to take part in what is to come.

Are you lost in your lies?
Do you tell yourself I don’t realize
Your crusade’s a disguise?
Replaced freedom with fear
You trade money for lives
I’m aware of what you’ve done

No, no more sorrow
I’ve paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced

Picture source: pianohousevn.net