A part of me cringed after reading this, knowing that I would eventually have to write a blog post about it. It’s not because I completely disagree with the material presented; I don’t. Nor is it because it was badly written; it was crystal clear. The reason was purely because it sounds so freaking cheesy! Doesn’t it? It has two butterflies on the damn cover… I’m essentially revoking my rights to be a straight male according to conventional wisdom.

Right from the start, this book gives a a few compelling explanations for why this topic is so cringe-inducing. For one, many people are simply cynical about love. At some point they were probably disappointed or betrayed by others, which caused them to turn away from the very idea of it. Or, they might have bought into the one-sided, pop-culture story of love being a yearning to have all their needs met in another person. They want a fairy tale to come true, which will most likely make them cynical when a) it doesn’t happen or b) people tell them to grow up.

In essence, we don’t understand love. It’s one of those words that has lost its original meaning because it’s been thoroughly beaten into so many different contexts. Aldous Huxley stated it best when he likened overused words to dirty linens that need to be washed. In this book, Hooks breaks past this barrier and examines love based on her personal experiences in a mature way. She branches off into various components of love, but they can all be tied back to one definition that constitutes its core.

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” – M. Scott Peck

I know this quote sounds pretty flat and boring. It’s a lot different than the load of fluff that normally surrounds conversations involving love, but to me this quote is utter perfection. If anything, maybe that is exactly what we need to break past the fog of misunderstandings and feelings. We all desire love in one form or another, and this quote helps to make it a bit more tangible.

I’ll break it down a bit to hopefully inspire you. According to the quote, love is much more than romance or family ties. It’s not something that is confusing and just happens to people. Fundamentally, it is a choice that involves extending beyond one’s self for a greater purpose. It requires setting the ego aside and selflessly reaching out to help others. Instead of thinking in terms of how an action can benefit you, love seeks to lift others up.

“Our willingness to sacrifice reflects our awareness of interdependency.”

Believing love is entirely selfless, however, would completely destroy your ability to genuinely want to do it. We all think in terms of our own benefit, so why would we want to choose love? Notice how the definition includes nurturing one’s own growth.  In this sense, love is not supposed to be entirely selfless. It is predicated on you being able to truly love yourself, which enables you to stop acting from a state of lacking. It transforms you into an abundant source of energy that flourishes with giving rather than taking. You have enough. You are enough.

The last part of the definition is fairly straight forward, but how to get there is extremely ambiguous. If you feel iffy about the word “spirituality,” you can think of it as striving toward living an objectively ethical and virtuous life. Now we can debate about whether there is such a thing, but that misses the point entirely. Spiritual (or virtuous) growth has been valued in nearly all wisdom cultures, religions, and ethical belief systems for centuries. They might be different on the surface, but some key ideas are pervasive throughout. Integrity, courage, humility, commitment, honesty, responsibility, and facilitating a community are among them. These concepts are all different, but are inseparable from love because they are gateways to your actions becoming both selfless and selfish.

Love is not easy. Change, sacrifice, and surrender are deeply woven into its fabric. If it were easy, we would have achieved world peace centuries ago and being cynical about it would be inconceivable. The society we live in definitely doesn’t help with it either. Putting all that aside, love is essential for human beings to flourish and for us as a whole to evolve.  And above all, love is fulfilling. The Beatles couldn’t have said it any better: all you need is love.